A while ago there was an email going around telling people what they should do to prepare if they were thinking about having kids (things like set the alarm to get up every 2 hours, etc.) I wrote this as an addendum for people approaching parenthood in the pre or teen years…find the thing you love most in the world. paint oneyes. turn it so the eyes are facing a computerscreen. add ears and glue a cell phone to its ears.add a voice box and make it grunt in response to anyquestion you ask. place it in a room and leave itthere for days on end. bring it out with you onoccasion to eat dinner and then put it back in itsroom.drive the thing around to many places you dont want togo in traffic on friday afternoon. take it to theemergency room once every 2 years. spend 6-8 hourseach time.decorate a beautiful room for your thing. buyexpensive clothes at places like abercrombie. throwthose clothes all over the thing’s room. leave themthere.buy a gamecube, a ps2, and several games for thosesystems. place your thing (with computer and cellphone) in front of those game systems. go out to runerrands and come back 5 hours later. your thing willstill be in front of those games.buy a potbellied pig. put it in front of yourrefrigerator. open your refrigerator. when it haseaten everything go to the grocery store for thefourth time that week. spend $400 at trader joe’s andhave the people behind you in line ask if you have ateenager at home.beg the thing to hang out with you. don’t expect aresponse though cuz after all it’s only a thing.tell your thing to take a shower and clean its room.again, don’t expect much because after all it’s only athing.buy a horse (doesn’t have to be very large). eathorseshit.give your thing a big giant bear hug and don’t let go,cuz after all it is the thing you love most in theworld.
my favorite teens April 27, 2009